Let's Read: The Taliban Send Malala Idiotic Non-Apology Letter; Prove Beyond Doubt They Have Mentality of Petulant Five-Year-Olds

When last we met the Lone Ranger, Malala Yousefzai was a teenage girl who had been blogging about how much her life sucked and how totally nobody understood her.  However, since she was living in the part of Pakistan that had been taken over by the Taliban, she might have been the first teenager in history who was spot on about the whole Life Being an Endless Well of Misery thing.  

The BBC picked up her blog and started running it.  She didn't exactly go viral, but it was a cool gig to put on her college applications.  Oh wait, she lives under an oppressive totalitarian regime deeply opposed to women's education, or pretty much any education that could contradict their ideology.  I really hope the BBC was paying her for this.  

So then she gets shot in the head, people freak out, and Pakistan plays a combination of medical urgency and severe lack of balls to protect its own citizens and hot-potatoes her off to England, where doctors put her skull back together.  Malala proves to be a total badass and shrugs off bullet wounds like Salon.com trolls.  

Last week for her 16th birthday, she addressed the United Nations about how world leaders need to stop being chickenshits and start putting girls in classrooms. Jesus, for my 16th birthday I went to the dollar theater and broke curfew because a friend locked herself in the bathroom, crying about a boy, and it took an hour to talk her out of there.  

Anyway, the Taliban have sent some sort of response letter to her through the internet.  The guy who wrote it was in prison for a while, and then I guess some of his buddies broke him out with a bomb, and now he's some sort of troll spokesman.  The point I'm trying to make is, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr were both in prison for a while, and they had interesting and relevant things to say, so let's not assume this guy is a total dickwad.  

Part 1: This Guy Is A Total Dickwad

IN THE NAME OF ALLAH THE MOST MERACIFULL AND BENEFICEINT

This is in KANYE KAPS so we know it's important.  

From Adnan Rasheed to Malala Yousafzai

Peace to those who follow the guidance

Miss Malala Yousafzai

Well, at least he spelled her name right.  

I am writing to you in my personal capacity this may not be the opinion or policy of Tehreek e Taliban Pakistan or other jihadi faction or group.

I'm just going to say right now, if any of you want to write a letter in the name of God, then put in an extra paragraph disclaiming that your boss may or may not agree with you, you should probably go back to the drawing board and rethink your motivations.  

I heard about you through BBC Urdu service for the first time, when I was in bannu prison, at that time I wanted to write to you, to advise you to refrain from anti-Taliban activities you were involved in. but I could not find your address and I was thinking how to approach you with real or pseudo name, my all emotions were brotherly for you because we belong to same Yousafzai tribe.

A few things.  

This guy is supposed to have been in prison for trying to assassinate the leader of Pakistan.  He can't figure out how to comment on a website?  

Okay.  

I like that he mentions he wanted to use a fake name.  Already he must have known that attempted murder is kind of an advice-giving-reputation killer.  

But at least the brotherly part means he doesn't want to sleep with her.  I hope.  

Meanwhile the prison brake happened and I was supposed to be in hiding. when you were attacked it was shocking for me I wished it would never happened and I had advised you before.

Did this dickwad just seriously humble-brag that he's sorry he couldn't give her an attempted-murderers advice because he was busy awesomely escaping from jail?

Part 2: I Don't Need God To Tell Me When Someone's An Idiot, But This Idiot Does

Taliban attacked you, was it islamically correct or wrong, or you were deserved to be killed or not, I will not go in this argument now, let’s we leave it to Allah All mighty, He is the best judge.

Islamically or not, I see no point in having religious leaders that claim right to rule on moral grounds, then claim to be unable to pass moral judgement on the actions of their followers in favor of letting God figure it the fuck out.  This is like hiring a lawyer who argues to bring back trial by combat.  But thanks for arguing yourself out of a job.  I'll take an attempted-murderer's advice if it boils down to let's let everyone live their lives without passing judgement or acting on the desire to correct each other's beliefs through violence.  

I have a feeling this guy has never looked in a mirror.  

Here I want to advise you as I am already late, I wish I would have advised u in my prison time and this accident would never happened.

Adnan has already admitted he has no backing from his superiors and doesn't believe his job should exist.  He's pretty much spelled out the pointlessness of his chosen career path.  Being unable to stop a single girl from getting shot in the head is just icing on the cake.  

(Also, is "islamically" supposed to be a portmanteau of "Islam" and "comically"?  Is this all an elaborately ingenious farce?)

Part 3: Education!  Now Not Just To Undermine Your Theocratic Nonsense!

First of all please mind that Taliban never attacked you because of going to school or you were education lover, also please mind that Taliban or Mujahideen are not against the education of any

men or women or girl. Taliban believe that you were intentionally writing against them and running a smearing campaign to malign their efforts to establish Islamic system in swat and your

writings were provocative.

Education is fine, so long as you learn only what we want and say only things we agree with.  May I remind you this girl was writing about how she wanted to go to college, not start a public orgy bestiality parade. 

You have said in your speech yesterday that pen is mightier than sword, so they attacked you for your sword not for your books or school.

You fail metaphors forever.  

There were thousands of girls who were going to school and college before and after the Taliban insurgency in swat, would you explain why were only you on their hit list???

Hey, did you guys know that Malala is the only girl to have ever been targeted by the Taliban EVER?  There has literally not been a single other student or school that has ever been violently attacked!

Now to explain you the second point, why Taliban are blowing up schools?

Oh wait, he just admitted they were blowing up schools.  

Seriously, was this guy drunk?

CONTINUED IN EYE-POPPING KANYE KAPS ON NEXT POST.